Either I just saw a jogger in black sweats & hat w/ white gloves or a mime running for his life.

use the force

Had to employ Jedi babysitting skills last night. The ONLY thing that would quiet this little guy's crying was the constant waiving of a blue light saber toy. #TheForceIsStrongInHim

tubs

Thank you Lowe's plastic tubs.. for being suctioned together so tightly that when I finally pulled one up I fell backwards knocking over the 2 stacks behind me, which knocked over the 2 stacks & lids behind them. I pretty much took out the floor display. #SeemsImNoLongerWelcomeThere

Like a ninja blowdart full of MSG, Chinese food for lunch has warmed my belly but tranquilized my brain.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots? #OldChristmasJokes

Happy WinterSolstice:shortest day of the year.I'm told I look much better in the dark so I guess that makes me a night person

Now if I'm having a shitty holiday and need a little Christmas (along w a little TP) all I have to is reach out and pull.

bug

Due to a flu bug rampaging thru our office, the Christmas Party & Company Meeting have been postponed to keep us apart. But any horror movie will tell you that's what the monster wants.. to separate us & pick us off one at a time. #KillKillKillKill

We divided up Mom's Christmas ornaments tonight. It was all laid out on 2 tables like a cross between a garage sale & an archeological dig display

Rather than get up & cross the room to turn it off I actually tried to negotiate with my alarm clock from under the covers.

Feeling puny today because: A)I'm getting the bug B)my overall poor health & rotten dispostion C)N.Korean hackers

Feeling puny today because: A)I'm getting the bug B)my overall poor health & rotten dispostion C)N.Korean hackers

don't care

I get uneasy when strangers in line in front of me feel the need to turn around and start telling me how nice they are and how everyone wants to be their friend. #SerialKillersHaveFriendsTooLady

On busy days at the gas pump I sometimes bang on my trunk & say "Keep quiet in there or else!" before speeding away.

good car

Like a bone for a dog I treated my car to a full service wash after carrying us safely back & forth from New Orleans. Clearly, I need to get another pet before I start thanking my faucet for water. #DatsAGoooodSink

Just spent 5 min trying to look up a move for The Colon Center but found it filed under Rectal Care. #GotToTheBottomOfThatOne.

I'm a better door than a window

No matter where I stand or sit I'm always in someone's way. I'd be an awesome bodyguard. Bullets would not only find me first but there is more of me to go thru. #WhatABargain!

"Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Jim Nabors first words to Andy Griffith when they meet in Heaven. #RIPGomer

holiday scandal

The North Pole has just announced Santa Claus has been fired after allegations of sexual assault on 3 female elves, 1 reindeer, 2 snow angels, & the Bumble Snow Monster. Mrs. Claus has hired Hanukkah Harry to fill in until a full time replacement can be named. More on this story as it develops.

one of those days

A bad day is dropping the bread you just smeared w/ peanut butter face down on the counter. A worse day is, while cleaning up said mess, knocking the large peanut butter jar off the counter and onto your foot. #ForStreetFightingWeaponsChooseyMomsChooseJIF

cell coma

My phone suddenly went dark this morning. I furiously pressed & repressed the power button like I was taught in CPR training & screamed "Don't You Die On Me Dammit!!" #ThePatientSurvived

boom

My workflow went dormant last week because of Thanksgiving but suddenly Monday it all erupts like an angry volcano with acid reflux. #GettingPummelledLikePompeii #TooSoon?

Wondering how many Wookiees Google bear porn.

Advise to all the Moms that are beginning their 24 hr cooking/cleaning Thanksgiving prep: DMI (Delegete/Medicate/Inebriate)

Couldn't sleep last night & had a big thanksgiving lunch. Screw caffiene:Time for the ol fork in the electical socket trick.#AWAKE

I have huge stack of work to do but I also have a big pile of paperclips begging to be made into a chain. #TalkingPaperClipsWin

I like to scoop & eat the shredded lettuce left in the BigMac box & convince myself it was a "side salad".#HealthyChoices

charlie down under

Satan is not happy. Manson is that creepy, weird relative no one (even in hell) wants to see but now is coming over for Thanksgiving. #PutHimNextToDahmerAtTheKidsTable

In honor of this being the longest week ever I'm taking this afternoon off to do.. NOTHING. (Can't wait to get started.)

Went into Walmart at lunch for butter.42 min,17 items, & $35.74 later I'm driving back to work.. w/ NO butter. #SlippedFromMyMind

Seriously?? It's only THURSDAY?!? You've got to be frigging kidding me. #LongestWeekEver

Some days my age has less to do w/ the year I was born & more w/ how much energy it takes to walk from my desk to the copier.

mixed signals

If you accidentally projected the bat signal sideways it kind of looks Statler&Waldorf (the 2 old Muppets in the balcony.) Villians of Gotham City.. prepare to be heckled!

most important meal of the day

Kellogg's & Post say that sales of Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, & Cherrios are dangerously low because millennials are not buying them. I knew it.. we've raised a whole generation of cereal killers.

Answer:A Full McRib Sandwich & a slice of Pumpkin Pie Question:What the hell did the bird who crapped on my windshield just eat?

"Wonder what the ratio of caffeine,cocaine,& methamphetamine is in Diet Mountain Dew that makes it so tasty?" - I thought at 3am

stargames

Yesterday in the "Heavenly Battle of the Network Stars": the heavyweight comedy team of John Candy, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Oliver Hardy, & Jackie Gleason continued to dominate winning the tug of war & pie eating contest. But today's potatoe sack race & triathlon, might prove a challenge. Stay tuned

90 min sitting @ a plastic table as the AT&T guy transferred my old phone to the new one w/ nothing to awkwardly stare down at

And God said, "For one brief shining moment, let there be brilliant fall colors! Then you shall look at sticks for 5 months."

First call today was a lady so full of arrogance,distain,& entitlement she was almost choking on it.W/ any luck next time she will

ups and downs

In the last 24 hrs I dropped/shattered my phone screen, hiccupped diet mountian dew out of my nose, woke up with toothpaste in my eyebrow, AND had my neurologist tell me my MG is in remission. Today is a GOOD day

A virus on my PC at work is equivalent to crashing my car late at night in the worst part of town. #StrandedAngryAndDefensive

Dear Toaster: You take too long, only do 1/2 the job, & clearly something's wrong w/ your wiring.You're just like me every morning

Just found cobweb in my hair. Don't know when this happened but I am wondering how many spiders had time to rappel down my back.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." - drunk guy bugging DJ to play The Hokey Pokey

You fill your gas tank, get in the car, and the gauge already shows you are down to a quarter tank.That's how payday is for me.

Last night I found time to watch 9 sitcom episodes opening prime DVR space. Pathetically,this is exciting news in my life.

I had lunch at Jersey Mike's Subs. Good sandwich but suddenly I'm using words like Fogitaboutit, BadaBing!, and have the urge to have someone whacked.

I'll bet on halloween Jack Nicholson wears a plain t-shirt with the word ME written on it

Late last night I ate 10 White Castles because today for Halloween I'm going as a gas explosion.

From 1996-2000 I travelled a lot on business & stole 1 hotel towel every trip. For 20 yrs I've felt the rub of these crimes.

My kitchen light was on all night. I think a ghost did it. I'm OK w/ the haunting but F w/ my electric bill & its exorcism time.

When I first heard "Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger" I thought it was an anti-masterbation slogan

I managed to get up, get dressed, and come into work but my brain is still hitting the snooze alarm. #JustTenMoreMinutes

Shorter days,leaves are changing,& a cold wind is blowing. Except for the acorn that smacked into my head I'm a happy guy. #Fall

Wondering if Samantha from Bewitched ever accidentally cast a spell on someone just because she happened to be swishing Jello in her mouth at the time?

tennis anyone?

Eating in the park watching a demanding Dad teach his 7ish yr old tennis. 🎾 Kid was pretty good until he served the ball right into Dad's crotch.😳 "Was that in or out?" asked the kid

Either fewer people in my neighborhood decorated their houses for Halloween or the teens have gotten faster at stealing it.

If being in love means never having to say you're sorry then the person who lets their dog poop on my lawn every day must be head over heels for me.

clock key

Drove 15min to a clock place to buy a winding key to find the place empty. Called 3 others in Google & they were disconnected or moved. Seems time is running out for clock techs. They are all winding down into retirement.

glare

Despite the glare during my morning commute I never get around to wiping the film off more than a circle of my windshield. Lazyness:1 Self-Preservation:0

I just need a quick 24 hour nap and I'll be engergized to finish the work day.

uh oh

I dreamed I was a sailor in a WW2 submarine who crawled inside the torpedo tube to clean it when an alarm went off and I heard "Fire one!!" #ThisCantBeGood.

Today is YOUR day and you WILL git them Duke boys. #HappyBossesDay

what were we thinking?

People don't like talking about the dark side of our history but it's time we faced this: On this date in 1976 DISCO DUCK hit #1 on the pop charts.

white paint black cloud

My meds sometimes make me dizzy. I was painting my guest room ceiling today when the room started to spin, I stumbled off the stepladder, stepped directly into the full bucket of paint and knocked it over

We all wanted to grow up to an be like the heros we watched on screen. My hero was Uncle Buck. #ExplainsALot

Sometimes I leave the lower file cabinet drawers open near my desk like landmines to trip up would be invaders

I still need to paint 3 more ceilings in my house but I keep brushing it off.

Did Dr. Frankenstein keep a practice w/ regular office hours? Maybe the monster thing was just an evening/weekend hobby.

I predict we will eventually go to war with China. Then again, I once confidently predicted that ZIMA would be the #1 selling beverage in the world.

cracked

I was just in a room being questioned by a guy at a table in front of a large 2 way mirror and camera. Eventually I cracked started to confess my crimes until he reminded me it was just a marketing survey for insulin brands.

opposing sides

My primary doc says steriods are messing with my diabetes. My neurologist says I need the steroids to deal w/ my MG. #TornBetweenTwoDoctorsFeelinLikeAFool

You know that step & handle the trashguy rides on the back of the truck? They should put those on city buses & only charge half fare.

soundtrack

I dreamed that I won a contest where the John Williams Orchestra performed a musical soundtrack to everything I did, however mundane, for a week. It got annoying after awhile but I did enjoy the jaws theme every time I made toast.

Halloween is 23 days away. Time to start shopping bank loans to pay for those few bags of candy you're going to need.

It took way too long to get to Friday this week. I made it but now I feel like a printer w/ an empty toner cartridge

I wonder how many roofers have been thrown off of buildings by coworkers for over-use of "Stop! Hammer time."?

Do clams, seaslugs, & hermit crabs keep tiny baskets of people's old coats in their bathroom too?

chains

This morning I pulled up next to a Prison Transfer Van and locked eyes w/ the guy in back. Instead of wondering if he was innocent or dangerous all I could think was that orange looked good on him.

How many shooting victims checked MSN home page in the morning never dreaming that their photo would be on there the next day?

What makes me truly sad, besides the obvious tragedy, is how less & less shocked I am when atrocities like this happen.

Las Vegas Shooting

Halloween candy should be as fun to give as it is to get. That's why I'll be using a slingshot this year. #SnickersReallyDOESSatisfy

Hugh Hefner can finally be changed out of those formal work clothes and changed into something comfortable to be laid to rest. #RIP

QT: the only safe spot

Why is it that online, politically, racially, internationally we all seem to hate each other but EVERYONE still holds the door for the next person at Quick Trip? Why are gas stations the only harmonious places left on the planet?

Bank of America is going to close one of my visa accounts due to inactivity. $.77cent banana purchase coming right up.

Gave blood & urine samples for tests at the lab.Then they wanted an additional $90 which got them a stool sample as well.

mowing

"This riding mower is easy now that I have the hang of it." I thought proudly mere seconds before running over the wood retaining wall and crashing up into the garden area.

ahhhhhhh.. ahhhh.. chooo

Dear Windshield: One hand is on the wheel and the other has my phone to my ear. I feel 1-3 uncontrolled sneezes coming. This is not going to end well for you. #MyApologies

Fight!

Did you hear?! The dotard and the rocket man are gonna fight by the flagpole at 3:30. The dotard fights dirty but the rocket man is bringing an anti-aircraft gun. Everybodys gonna be there. Should be good.

After a week of high heat & humidity I have officially transformed into a garden slug.

too damn hot

I'd be a very ineffictive police officer because anytime the heat index is over 100 I'd wouldn't make any arrests or write any tickets. #ItsTooHotLetEmGo #LetsGoGetASlurpee

I was really getting annoyed by the squeaking brakes of the car next to me until he pulled ahead and I realized it was my car that was squeaking. Shit.

I'm halfway thru a book I was really excited to read and its not very good so far. (*smacking book on floor and scolding it) "Be BETTER!!!" 😡👓📖👎

The Will

Mission Goal: Go to Goodwill and find a hawaiian shirt for my trip.
Result: Found 2, also a party board game, paperback book, & unopened atomic clock+calendar+indoor/outdoor/temp. Total price: $13.00.
What I learned: I need to stay the hell away from Goodwill.#HoardingIsBadHoardingIsBadHoardingIsBad

As long as I do not watch a tv show it is apparently guaranteed to win an Emmy

Is exhaustion a reason for me to not exercise or is lack of exercise the reason for my exhaustion? #MeetAtDunkinDonutsToDiscuss

I have a bump on my ear. I think its a bug bite but Web MD assures me its nothing more than a malignant tumor.

recess

Playground merry-go-round was really just a pitching machine that shot out children. Best spot to be was on the outside spinning the tortured souls trying to hold down their lunch.

good book

"If no dunking milk is available, thy MUST split thine cookie in half and scrape off yonder white center filling w/ thy front teeth like a beaver." - The Holy Book of Oreo/29:11

yuck

Grabbed a slice of breakfast pizza 🍕at QT on my way🤸‍♂️🚶‍♂️🏎️ to work to fuel ⛽me up for the morning ☀️but ended up feeling like a car🧟‍♂️💩 with sugar in the gas tank 🤢🤮

Is it me or do brownie tray crumbs somehow taste better than the actual brownies?

What I think I look like when I'm riding my bike vs what I actually look like.

nice day

Bike is in the shop, shoelace broke on my sneaker, & my knee is acting up. There is no better way to enjoy a beautiful day than to NOT feel the need to exercise in it. 😎🌞#SlothIsGoodSlothIsRight

I'm fat, lazy, apathetic, sarcastic,& can't wait to eat the leftover lasagna in my fridge. Instead of aging w/ dignity I've turned into Garfield.

sit in the corner

Do the annoying/ass-hole parts of our personality go w/ us when we die? If so I'm in trouble because I dreamed I went to Heaven but God kept putting me in time-out.

carefully

I leave Walmart w/ eggs in one bag and fragile glass in the other. A flock of kids run around me, I stumble in the parking lot, and then slam the brakes at a light but make it back to work intact. Relieved & proud, I drop the 2 bags onto my desk. #shit

sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.

sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.

What I did over LaborDay Weekend in 100 words. - By David Bornholdt

Not much (x50)

boxes

Happy Surprise: Finding several Amazon packages on your stoop.
Brutal Reality: They all belong to your neighbor.
#IFeelSoUsed #AmazonTeased

key

6 keys on my keychain: 4 I use, 1 I never use, & 1 I think goes to a lock in a now demolished building. But since I'm not sure it will stay on there forever.

it is ... alive

Once upon a time, he was my inseparable childhood companion,🐻💓👶 but now he has been awakened by dark forces, escaped his storage confines, and roams the earth in search of your soul. #WelcomeToYourTeddyNightmare

cake

I should not have to dress up, buy a gift, sit thru a ceremony, a rubbery chicken breast, and 2 long boring toasts just to get a slice of Wedding Cake. Its time this item became a standard dessert option. #MarriageSchmarriageJustGiveMeTheDamnCake

twice

Feeling especially bad for the people who moved to Houston after being displaced by Katrina in 05. If they can prove they were victims of both ordeals I say they should get a Double Indemnity insurance payout.

You know what this country needs? Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure On Ice

As soon as I put the gum in my mouth I remembered that last night I bit my tongue but I'm too cheap to spit it out. #ThisWillNotEndWell

You ever dream that you forgot to do something at work, then wake up and make a mental note to fix it before you realize it was only a dream?

I COULD put the chairs back where they belong OR I could just keep telling people the building is sliding into a sink hole.

If all continues to go as planned we will have no plans tomorrow night which are my favorite kind of plans. #ILoveItWhenNoPlanComesTogether

meep meep!

The Roadrunner is not being chased by the coyote so much as he is trying, Forest Gump style, to outrun the pain of being rejected by his family for looking more like a ostrich/rooster mix than a real roadrunner. #FowlShaming #MommaWasABirdWhore #JustFeltLikeRunning

history

Dad's WW2 Honorable Discharge Papers 1945: Priceless Family Heirloom. / Dad's White Castle Craver Hall of Fame Award 2005: Priceless to him #TheHistoryWeLeaveBehindUs

coming this fall on FOX

New reality show idea: a group of 20 somethings are put to work inside a late 70s office environment (with retired bosses & coworkers from that era) that allows smoking, sexual/verbal harrassment, manual typewriters, business formal dresscode, & gluten, w/ no smartphone, internet, tablet, or computers and see how long they survive. Call it "CultureShock!" or "When I Was Your Age Dammit" #SponsoredByAARP

Wait until Tuesday to buy your solar eclipse glasses for savings up to 75% #SmartShopper

just peachy

Think I cracked a tooth on some pit from the peach that smeared all over my shirt while I sat in traffic this morning. I was already sticky, broken, & late before even starting my work day.

40 years gone

Later tonight I'm gunna pop a pill, then fry me up a big ol' peanutbutta&bananasandwich while I tear the seat of my white jumpsuit doin karate kicks in the kitchen as a tribute the big E. Know whut I mean, man? #ThankYewThankYewVeriMuch #TCBF #40years #RIP

USPS

At lunch I walked into a post office I hadn't been in since 1983 and literally nothing had changed. The guy at the counter had feathered hair & glasses and from the back I heard Every Breath You Take playing on a radio. Pretty sure I stepped back in time so I mailed my future self a postcard to invest in Apple stock and NOT buy those MC Hammer pants.

mow

Did my first cut w the new riding mower. I left bald spots, high spots, brown spots, green spots, and untouched turns and corners. I no longer have a yard, I have a topigraphical map.

burn

Dear white supremacist/nazis/kkk: Be advised that side effects of hate & violence (when mixed with body odor, chewing tobacco, smugness, and sleeveless t-shirts) may include spontaneous combustion as well as eternal damnation. #WeHopeYouEnjoyYourIncineration

august 14 1969

48 years ago today the Apollo 11🚀 Astronauts👨‍🚀👩‍🚀👨‍🚀 (who first stepped 👣on the moon 🌑) were released from quarantine 😷to a ticker tape parade 🎈🎉🎊 which means its also the 48th anniversary of my Baptism👶💦😇 on the same day. #StillWetBehindTheEars

I'm not saying its humid outside but I will say the air was so thick and wet I needed an oar to slice my way from the car to the office door.

dream

I dreamed I won the lottery but only on the condition I recieve & spend it all in pennies, nickels, & dimes.Cashiers HATED me. Then some guy tried to rob my house but hurt his back lifting it and walked away. #TurnAndFaceTheChange

When I just say the word MORNING & keep walking consider it more a declaration/warning than a greeting.

stuff

After 60 years in the same place my parents accumulated a lot of stuff.
"A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it."
"Ever notice that OTHER people's stuff is shit and YOUR shit, is stuff? 'Move that shit so I can put my stuff down!"
- George Carlin

wake and walk

My body is telling me I need more excercise but making me walk off leg cramps in a pitch black house at 4am every morning is not a good way to express it. #NoOneLikesASmartAssBody

AquaFreshDefense

I'm brushing my teeth when a meatball sized spider crawled out of the drain so I spat toothpaste on him & rinsed him back down. If I smell something minty fresh crawling up my back I'll know it's about revenge.

cough cough

I'm trying to justify the idea of going home sick for the afternoon but all I can find wrong w/ me is a slightly sore back, a few sniffles, a hang nail, and some carrot stuck between my teeth. #NotEnough

bombs away

I have an old desktop computer that I need to have wiped & then given for recycling but I'd much rather find a really high balcony to drop it off of. #SomeJuvenileInstinctsNeverDie

Did you ever accidentally drive the wrong direction but are too lazy to turn around so you have to find a reason to keep going?

There is currently a little voice inside the head of Kato Kaelin that keeps telling him the time start his political rise to power is definately now.

lunch

Today for I brought leftovers from dinner at Bandana's BBQ instead of my normal sandwich. Sadly, this constitutes exciting news in my life. #InternationalManOfMystery

Dawn

I dreamed last night the new fad was using dishwashing liquid for toothpaste so I tried it. It worked well but soap bubbles came out whenever I peed. #WokeUpWithALemonTasteInMyMouth #TakesGreaseOutOfYourWay

unexpected feelings

Its been over 4 years since my Dad passed so the mourning ended some time ago but now that Mom is gone as well I miss them as a couple.Kind of like losing him all over again.

In 1984, I had an algebra problem, that no one else could solve, so I unsuccessfully tried to hire.. The A-Team. #WeDontDoNoMathFool!

pills

Currently taking a steroid w/ these side effects: Dizzness, rapid heartbeat, headaches, weight gain, urination issues, trouble breathing, problems speaking & thinking, vision impairment, skin problems, sweating, & trouble moving or walking. Its like an acid trip to advanced old age in just one pill

Although I'm sitting here ready to start the week it appears my brain is out on strike.

It was nothing (I hope)

Late last night my car was loaded with stuff from my parents house when a single paper item suddenly caught wind and flew out the window into the night. I don't know but I'm sure it was probably just a treasure map, lost will, original Warhol drawing, or some early Apple stock certificate.

fashion mistake

Just realized I'm wearing these drawstring shorts inside out. This is is either early senility or else I'm due a refund on that learning disability testing I passed back in 4rth grade.

sequal

After having his soup spiked with antifreeze Ferris really does need a new kidney but no one believes him so Slone sets out to find Cameron, now homeless, bitter, & psychotic after destroying his father's car, to donate his. Hilarity ensues in "Ferris Bueller's Actual Sick Day: Jeannie's Revenge"

overdone

I accidentally hit 2 hours instead of 2 minutes on the microwave. I just wanted to warm my sandwich but I've turned it into the hulk. #AnAccidentalOverdoseOfGammaRadiation

My phone did an update and for some reason the voice on my Google Maps is a Minion.But as long as directions include the words Boss or Banana I'm fine

pot problems

The rubber ball float broke off in my hand when I tried to adjust it this morning so I'm pretty sure my toilet is about to have a 3 mile island nuclear meltdown. #SelfDestructModeInitiated #OhShit #TenSecondsToDetonation98765..

I wish I had a ukulele just so I could sing every order at the drive thru. #EnjoyingTheBlankStareFromTheKidAtThe2ndWindow

When I'm in a Good Will Store I pretend I'm an archeologist assigned to identify unearthed forgotten fad items from the 80s&90s.

really??

So I'm at Walmart at lunch reaching for something on a shelf when this lady rams my cart w/ hers (seems mine was in the way & she was above saying "excuse me") causing my cart to roll out of the isle into a display an employee was working on. Despite my explanation I'm the one who got the dirty look & the lady continued to shop. When I passed her I expressed my feeling in sign language.

mowed down

Finished mowing so now I'm panting, dizzy, sweating, bleeding at the leg, bitten all over, exhausted, drained, and swearing I'll never go back out there. Is it possible to get post traumatic stress disorder from yard work?

The best plan to get me into a gym would have to involve a trail of little powder sugar donuts

dentist

I have an appointment for a teeth cleaning today but the way my black cloud is running I'm predicting they will mix up my chart, pull out my teeth, and fit me for dentures.

ooh that smell

How come the greasy butter popcorn smell sticks to my microwave like a fire alarm paint bomb for months but when I use Pledge on all my furniture I only smell lemon for 15 min?

move along

At my check up today the nurse used some sort of a jedi thermometer on me where she just waived this stick past my forehead. She got my temp plus I realized these were not the droids I was looking for.

quiet

Somewhere in Heaven right now Janis Joplin and Sam Kinison are about to be kicked out of a coffee shop for an overly spirited game of Battleship. ( Lyndon Johnson is such a winy little cry baby) #F4 #MISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some men need to build an empire or climb a mountain to feel victorious. I just need to survive mowing my lawn. #done #fineato #check

To be able to reach mid afternoon having not showered, changed clothes or brushed my teeth without being sick feels like pure luxury. #SlothRocks

cool down

When I was a kid I'd deal with 100+ heat by running thru a sprinkler. But in my maturity I've find it takes much less energy to just ride a Walmart mobility scooter through a car wash. #WorkSmarterNotHarder #AvoidTheClearCoatWax

label it

Dear Amazon: Please put the next package you send me inside of a Tampax Tampons box before you leave it on my doorstep. That way if someone steals it, atleast he'll look really stupid walking down the street with it. Thanks, DB

How low has my life gotten when I find myself looking forward to a trip to the Dollar Tree at lunch? #JetsettingInternationalManOfMystery 🤵🕶️🍸

I didn't sleep well & got up early for a work function. Now my head feels tired and heavy so I got a haircut at lunch to lighten the load up there.

they knew at once

When Frank took her hand Alice felt something pass through her. She looked away bashfully. The connection was instant for both of them but they came from different social circles so theirs was a love that was forbidden.

Dropped by the mechanic and my car got a green light to take on vacation this month. The driver... meh. #OnTheRoadWithMrMagoo

too much of a good thing

Dear #SciFyChannel: Picture a world where a channel runs marathons of a classic show EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY until they become so repetitive they lose their brilliance and become mundane. You have now entered.. the overexposed zone.

The steroids for my MG are acting against the insulin injections for my diabetes. Below is my blood sample multified 200 times

Being at work on a day when most people are off makes me feel like I'm in The Breakfast Club. #CouldYouDescribeTheRuckusSir?

really?

So I saw my neurologist (well, not MY neurologist. The hospital leases him out) about my eye. What does the latest advancement neuromedical science advise me to do? Tape my eyelids open. 😵 #HeBlindedMeWithScience!!