Having a parent with dementia is like being a road trip listening to your favorite FM station slowly fade out as you get further away.

The older I get the less pressure I am under to seek out a wild or crazy new years eve. #GrayHairMembershipAdvantages

Debbie Reynolds

Sometime in the 70s my parents saw #DebbieReynolds perform in a musical at the Muny Opera (which is an outdoor venue here in St. Louis) When the show was stopped for a rain delay, Debbie came out onstage with a mic and umbrella and said,"If you people are going to sit in the rain then I will too!" She took audience requests and sang acapella until the storm passed. The lady was a class act. #RIP

This morning I hiccuped while taking a bite of sandwich and choked for a few seconds on my PBJ before clearing my throat. #CloseButNoCigar2016

choices

After lunch internal debate: Do I take the red pill, caffeine up, and dive back into productive work? Or do I take blue pill, slip into "look busy" gear, and coast towards the finish line?

Last night I cleaned my microwave w/ vinegar & water. This morning my tea tastes like my childhood easter egg dye. #DontAskMeHowIKnowThat

My IT guy finally found a way to keep me from clicking on any more viruses.

Carrie Fisher

A long long time ago,(60 years in fact), in a galaxy far far away, Eddie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds had a baby girl who would grow up to be an actor, a screenwriter, an addict, a playwright, and an author. She was talented, honest, funny, and self-deprecating. The Force was strong in her.. always. RIP Carrie Fisher. #GoodnightPrincess

My Monday morning was scheduled to be a slow mule ride but somehow I jumped onto a pissed off bull.

ice

Dear God: The streets are slick but I've missed Mass a few weeks and need to recharge. So, here's my offer. Get me there and home safely and there's $50 (tax free) in the collection plate with your name on it. No questions asked. Sincerely, Your obedient servant, Dave B #LuckBeALadyTonight

gasicles

Either the Sam's gas pump was mostly frozen this morning or I stumbled into a Twilight Zone episode where time slowed and seconds ticked off like minutes. #WaitingForRodSerlingToStepOutFromBehindPump5

Now how much would you pay?

I have atleast 35 gifts to wrap tonight! That's why I'm glad I bought "The Miracle Dr Octavius Extra Arm Extentions" by Black n Decker. The install was a snap (if you don't mind a little spinal nerve damage) and the cost was affordable. Now, not only will my wrapping be done in a flash, but I can clean the gutter, sort the laundry, and finally reach that annoying itch on my back without leaving the comfort of my sofa! Buy some for YOUR family this Christmas! Available in various sizes and colors. Call now!! (Some restrictions apply:Seller not responsible for poked eyes, wall/floor/ceiling damage, criminal rampages, or electricution. Product is subject to rust, bend, and cause psychotic behavior. Banned in Nebreska, New Mexico, and Rhoad Island.)

Feeling under the weather and lethargic so I chugged a full can of spinach and waited. #PopeyeIsAFriggingLiar

Why does getting up an hour earlier for a work function make me feel like I've lost 3 extra hours of sleep? #ItWasMyUnderstandingThereWouldBeNoMath

bad day

I walk past it and the printer jams. I hit a key and my PC freezes. I pick up the phone and its an angry, condesending customer. I go into the mens room and the guy before me (who apparently just ate an entire diseased buffalo by himself) neglected to flush. #SevereBlackCloudDayKeepDistanceForYourOwnSafety

"Let me be your teddy bear. Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere." Seems young Elvis lynched his stuffed animals.

Thinking of opening a curtain & blind store called Throwing Shade

pop

The first guy to make popcorn shit his pants in surprise, then spent the rest of his days trying to make other foods do the same thing. He died from exploding pumpkin shrapnel. #JiffyPopPumpkinBomb

just give me another 5 min

Woke up around 8am and decided to sleep in another 20min. Opened my eyes again at 11:10am. There is a fine line between a nap & winter hybernation. #BlackCloudZZZs

noise noise noise

16 days before the 25th and The Christmas Spirit hasn't come within 5 miles of me.The Grinch has gone from a cautionary tale into someone who actually makes some really good points.

over sprayed

Hairspray: started as a John Waters cult film, made into a play, then into a broadway musical, then into a major motion picture musical, and then an NBC live event. Unless they plan on turning it into an interpretive dance ballet or a saturday morning cartoon, I think this has played out. #CanIsEmpty #OverExploited

rumble

Dreamed last night I was in a comedy/action movie fight scene being attacked by an inept overweight ninja but the only weapons on hand for our battle were rolls of wrapping paper. #DollarTreeFightSceneDreamSequence

one of those days

Due to some extreme tossing & turning I literally got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Accordingly, before opening my eyes, I bumped into a wall that was not supposed to be there. #SetThePrecedentForTheDay

"Oh wow! I can't wait to hear the Grammy nominations this morning!" - said no one middle aged or older ever #IKnowOneOutOfAllTheSongsListed

boom! Plop.

Pearl Harbor Day may be wednesday but today, December 5th, 2016, will live in infamy as my car was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a flock of overfed and well aimed birds from the empire of the parking lot trees. #MultiplePoopBombHits

Working up Monday morning momentum! OK!!! READY?!?!! Annnd..ahh screw it.

Uh oh

Yesterday I was in the grocery check out when nature called. The lettuce was on sale for $.89 but rang up at $1.49. After quick calculation I opted to pay an additional $.60 to get home 2 minutes faster rather than wait on a pricecheck. #WorthEveryPenny

meow

I'm in the mood for a little danger, so tonight I'm having dinner at a discount chinese buffet. #CulinaryRussianRoulette #TumsInOneHolsterPeptoInTheOther

Ooooonnnne!!!...

Jail is just a large scale version of a "time out" so police should have the option of giving a loud & stern 1-5 warning count to see if the perp in queston stops acting out.

into the fray

The idea of jumping into Christmas shopping makes me feel like I'm 9 yrs old, standing at the edge of the high dive board, looking down, w/ a line behind me, wondering just what the hell was I thinking?

thank u note

I'm not much of a Bible-thumper but with my black cloud I find I now spend as much time saying "Thanks" to God for what didn't happen as I do Praying that it doesn't.

chirp/screech/squeal

Either a bald eagle,3 chipmunks, and a possum are having an orgy in my engine compartment or the new belts I had installed last week need adjusting. #AnimalPlanetAfterDark

maid to order

I actually hired a cleaning lady and today is her first day. Either I'll come home to a clean house or a cleaned out house. (Is it weird that my neighbor texted that she arrived in an empty moving van with 4 helpers?) #HopingSheInadvertentlyVacuumsUpMyBlackCloud

Do strippers list their work description as a career in thong&dance?

still here

Today marks 11 years I'm with this company. This is the longest I've stayed in one spot since I joined Witness Protection. #ThinkingTheyForgotMeAgain

It begins..

On this date, after an enormous day of profit by their silent partner, Amazon.com, the Cyberdyne Industries were funded to develop Skynet, which became self aware and caused the rise of the machines. Therefore, this day shall forever be known as CYBER MONDAY.

need a transfer slip

If FB was a class, I enjoyed it much more when it was a blow off Study Hall/Free Period w/ friends. Now it feels like AP Poli Sci/Humanities. #SoGonnaFlunkTheMidTerm #CanIBorrowYourNotes?

I'm not arachnophobic but when a spider crawled out of the shirt I pulled from a winter clothes bin I did briefly consider dropping napalm in the closet.

it begins..

7 days before thanksgiving and across the country texts/calls/emails are being exchanged regarding who is bringing what, where to find extra chairs, & who is/is not coming. Let the under breath bitching & grumbling of the holiday season begin. #NoOneEvenEatsTheDamnCranberrySauce

sock it to me

Either socks are going to have to start being sold with little metal snap buttons to keep them together thru the laundry process or they should be sold in 3s so there is always a back up. #AliensLoveToFWithUsByAbductingOneSockAtATime

I dreamed I was having dinner with Andre the Giant and he spent the whole time unsuccessfully trying to operate an I-Phone. #GiantProblems

I actually wrote myself a note to remind myself to note something. Its amazing I can even find my way home at night.

I agree to a catapult, airbag, or trap door rigged to deploy when I enter the breakroom on office food days. #TimeToGetMedievalOnMyAss

too much too soon

In an effort to prevent inevitable burnout, the 2 FM stations in St. Louis now playing 24/7 holiday music (both of whom go by the "official Christmas station") need to fight each other in a Yultide Hunger Games deathmatch. There can be only one.

don't feel good

I keep getting legitimately sick to my stomach whenever I turn on a TV or check my homepage and see photos, footage, or updates about a cheeto colored d-bag. I think I'm developing a #NewsAllergy

One thing both a republican and a democrat can agree: #ButterCremeCakeIsGooooood

If a man trips over his own feet and falls when he is alone in the office and no one is there to see it, does he still look like a jack-ass? (I'm just asking for a friend.)

"I'm a little verklempt.Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you topic: Palmolive – it's neither palm, nor olive. Discuss." - Linda Richmond/Coffee Talk/SNL

moving on

I'm looking forward to FB posts once again being dedicated to important things like photos of dinner plates, comments about the weather, big toothy selfies, pet photos, how much Christmas shopping you've done, kid pics, & memes (so many f-ing memes). #AnythingButPolitics #DamageIsDone

vote

Apparently my polling place got changed at the last minute to this van parked behind an abandonded KMart. These 2 guys w/ russian accents had me cast my vote on some sort of an IPad. So Easy!

anxiety over tomorrow's election is like living thru the cuban missile crisis in 1962. #FearForTheEndOfTheWorld

morning surprise

This morning on hwy 44 the truck in front of me was cut off turned sharply causing 2 sandbags to fall out of the back which I swerved & barely missed almost making me hit the car to my left. I'll just tell people that stain on my pants is spilled tea. #BlackCloudSandManAttack

OD

I might need a mental heimlich maneuver because my brain is actually choking on obnoxious mud slinging local & state political ads. #PumpStomachUntilIVOTEDStickerPopsOutOfMouthAndBreathingIsRestored

Sybil moment

So I'm facing the microwave in the breakroom making various comments to a coworker that I did not realize had left the room. #TalkingToMyselfLikeASchizophrenicHomelessMan

Nanny Note

Dear Mary Poppins, Thank you for the joy you brought me as a child. Thank you for teaching me a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Thanks also for the diabetes that practice brought. You can expect a letter from my attorney.
#SupercalifragilisticexpialidociousChildEndangermentLawsuit

Happy National Half Price Candy Day! (There are free leftovers in the breakroom to get you started)

halloween

40 yrs ago: Worrying about my costume,joke,&candy draw.
25 yrs ago:Worrying about my costume & which bar/party to hit.
5 yrs ago:Worrying about hitting a trick or treater while delivering pizza.
Today: Worrying that my orange shirt will cause people to mistake me for a large, lumpy pumpkin.

All of this freaky unseasonal hot one day, cold the next, warm sunny then suddenly turning chilly & stormy is wreaking havoc on my health. Somehow it makes me wonder how my ex-wife is doing.

Much like gym regulars, I wonder if ghosts look forward to the days after halloween when the posers go home and they get their haunts back?

Certs Doc? (Please?)

Its very hard to concentrate on a doctor's very lengthy detailed scientific diagnosis explantion and scratch pad drawings of molecule structure when he has breath that smells like a 5 day old corpse discovered in a car trunk in New Orleans in July. #PleaseHealMeButFirstLetsBothHaveAnAltoid

make me better/stronger/faster

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a Neurologist. In the paperwork it asked my reason for the appointment so I wrote: Myasthena Gravis. Next question was Any Other Reasons? I wrote: Please install Bionics or Super Powers while you are at it.

#HeadacheHostageDay3: Begining to think that nightly Death Metal Headbanging Immersion Therapy course was not a wise choice

OK Headache. It's been 2 days now. I've tried sleep, Tylenol, caffiene, & chocolate but still you remain. How about a cash bribe? Think about it because my next step is a restraining order.

Based on the annual company insurance meeting I just attended, it would be most beneficial for all if I was loaded into a cannon and fired into a brick wall. #BlackCloudHumanCannonBall

I just realized that Total Eclipse of the Heart is really a love song between Chimp Doctor Zira and Taylor, her pet human. #TurnAroundBrightEyes

TWD

I haven't been able to watch my recording of The Walking Dead season premiere yet. I'm dreaming the impossible dream of getting thru the day w/out a spoiler. #HelenKellerModeEngaged

Chicken Soup may be good for the soul but it sure as hell wreaks havoc on a table top, placemat, eyeglasses, newpaper, & mail. #BetterSpilledOnTheTableThanOnTheLap

My stomach is still upset, which is odd because normally that happens AFTER I've watched Trump debate.

queazy

Having stomach issues this morning which, in a perfect world, would mean I have an automatic bubble around me to keep out all work problems until I feel better. #DamnBlackCloudBubbleBurster

I'm all for a remake of the 1974 film EARTHQUAKE but only on the condition that Victoria Principal returns for a cameo wearing her afro wig.

tilt

Seems I didn't kick the recliner fully back in the upright position because when I stood up the footrest popped back up knocking me off balance and into the elliptical machine before bouncing across the room the loveseat. #BlackCloudPinball

My cell battery loses all it's charge by lunchtime. It's been with me so long it clearly is taking after it's owner. #loyalty

Too much left to do today with too little time to do it and too little motivation to care. = a Friday attitood

Yesterday's crisp fall chill is the football. The upcoming 88 degree weather is Lucy pulling it away just as I kick it. #CharlieBrownBlackCloud #HateHeat #ReadyForCold

Today my Dad would have been 94. #MissYouPop #RIP #WCCraverHallofFame2005

plop plop fizz fizz

Damn you St. Louis Bread Co! Your single cup of turkey chili kept me up all night w/ acid reflux & indigestion yet somehow if I could go back in time I fear I'd do it all over. What kind of voodo crack rock hypnotic addictive ingredients did you put in there?? #BlackCloudTumsAlkaSeltzerDay

The Disaster is gonna be huuuge

Trump Steaks(Fail), Trump University(Fail)

Trump Kool-Aid (Success)

[Trump-Aid:Not Since Jonestown Have So Many So Blindly Followed a Mad-Man.]

How come no one's posting any opinions about the debate last night? Oh.. I was offline. I see a few coming now..

Last night I dreamed I flunked an acting class. I woke up, realized it was just a dream, but still went back to sleep so I could find that teacher and argue about it.

Friday

 

 

Last half of Friday workday/end of a shitty week/nice weather outside/weekend plans ahead = Need all the help I can get to focus on work until 5

 

 

 

 

Does Rosetta Stone offer a language course that teaches that african tongue click dialogue?

sale

On my way to work the same house has a "huge" garage sale atleast twice a year. How much junk do these people have?!? Assuming they either constantly hit other garage sales to absorb other people's crap or they are thieves and this is how they unload the take.

10/4

Breaker Breaker Good Buddy. This here's the Black Cloud comin at ya. I'm at mile marker 3 on National Talk Like a Trucker Day and I'm looking for Bear report, come back? I got the pedal to the metal and I'm gone. 10/4

fogitaboutit

On one hand, my boss gave me a couple of really nice cigars. On the other hand, my coworker flung a plastic rat that stuck to the ceiling above my desk. Not sure if this is going to be a good day or a bad day but it seems the mafia thinks I'm a snitch.

I'm thinking National Talk Like a Pirate Day is getting a little old. I suggest we replace it with National CB Trucker Talk Day on Oct 4rth

Families are like a Whitman's Sampler. No matter how sweet the majority are there is always one that is totally nuts & leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Going on a haunted hayride tonight through Valhalla cemetery. Looks like I'll finally be on the wagon.

http://www.hawthorneplayers.info/voices-of-valhalla-2016.html

I was 8 when I first saw this movie and this scene is how I learned these words. #BetterLivingThruCinema

If political opinions, selfies, inspirational quotes, pictures of children, campfires,and videos of food prep were banned, Facebook would instantly disappear (poof!)

Unsalted Shelled Peanut Funfact: Not only do people not like them but they somehow get insulted and hostile while eating them.

#StarvingChildrenInAfricaWouldKillForThisShit

OK Wednesday! You want some?! Come git some!! Ready!.. Set!.. (and runs face first into wall)

This is the kind of weather where I really need my office to crack open like my old Fischer Price schoolhouse.

blinded

Do I stare directly into the sun behind the stoplight for 60 seconds so I don't miss it turning green to ensure the car behind me doesn't honk? Yes. I burn my cornea & see a yellow spot half way to work just to have the same car cut me off a block later. This means war.

the heat is gone

My toaster oven died (or my little oven is toast.) This leaves me only 7 other viable food heating options (stove,microwave, foreman grill, gas grill, fire pit, clothes dryer, & car engine) but, my man rule book lists this as an appliance and therefore I am obligated to shop, compare, and replace as soon as possible. The hunt is on.

don't get cocky

This morning my toast didn't burn, my cheese omelette was perfect, & the sausage was just right. I internally gloated about this accomplishment as I slid the eggs onto my plate from the pan.. which was apparently too close to the bread wrapper which instantly melted all over the bottom of my skillet. #ServesMeRightForBeingOptimistic #BlackCloudMeltDown #CrockeryFail

ooh that smell

Is it counterproductive if the guy who cleans your office leaves a noxious BO/DeadRottingHobo odor in the wake of the every room he just cleaned? Seems like using a flame thrower to dry out water damaged furniture.

Less than 3 hours sleep last night so my official answer to any question you are about to ask me today is PASS.

first day of fall (finally) and it's sweltering

Dear Gambini Crime Family: For 77 days I have been counting down to the relief that Fall would bring from the punishment of summer. Today Fall is finally here... and St. Louis will have a 100 degree heat index. I blame the Heat Miser. Accordingly, I am calling in my favor. To quote Capone - "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to da GROUND!" Tonight the Heat Miser sleeps with the fishes. Thanks, Your Pal, Dave B

Time is the fire in which we burn. - Delmore Schwartz / Time to make the donuts - Fred the Dunnkin Donuts Baker

If excessive tossing & turning at night was counted as excercise, then I have met my aerobic requirements for the week.

clean

I did a long overdue house cleaning yesterday and last night I felt like I was in a hotel. It smelled fresh, everything was in place, plus I found a Gideon Bible in my nightstand and a dead hooker under the bed.

Ever have one of those days when even a game of Uno seems to complicated to mess with?

If you wanted to capture me in the wild, just put a donut in a jar and wait.

Lacix Medication Motto: "Yes.You will pee A LOT.But you'll thank us for the excercise results from all those bathroom dashes."

Jeeves

Between her daily nursing care aids, cleaning lady, lawn service, homehealthcare RN, & 5 adult children, my Mom now has a bigger staff than the Govenor's mansion. All we need to add is a butler and she'll have a complete set.

too much time on my hands

My bedroom has a clock radio on my nightstand, a back up one on my dresser, a wall clock, my cell phone, my wristwatch, and the time on the TV news: None of them are even close to matching times. No wonder I start each day confused.

I almost choked on a potatoe chip at lunch. Kinda scary, kinda humiliating, kinda goofy way I'd end up going by. I could see my toe tag now [Cause of Death:Spud Misadventure]

Rainfall & Thunder: The only sounds I don't mind being woken up during the night by. The same sounds while stuck in traffic, not so much.

Dear Family of the Spider I Killed: It was either him or me. I'm sorry. Please don't come for revenge.Condolences on your loss. - Dave

Starting a new med.waiting to see which side effect hits feels like walking blindfolded thru a car wash.U don't know whats coming,but its not gonna be pleasant.

Fine September. You let it be 105 heat index so I'm gonna wear white after labor day. Two can play at this ignoring the rules stuff.

Last night there was a cricket in the theater that chirped during the entire movie. It gave the phrase "it bugged me" a whole new level of intensity.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out August.September, you're up. Just do your job bring in a nice cool fall and nobody gets hurt. Kapeesh?

The only forward momentum I can achieve in the 2nd half of my work day would have to involve falling out of my chair.

Tossed & turned so much last night I wrapped myself in the sheet like a burrito, got up to pee & struggled like I was in a straightjacket. #BlackCloudToga

You ever been so busy that you blindly reach for a pen but grab a yellow highlighter and rather than put it back just make your note in ghostwriting?#MaybeItsMe

Did you ever notice that suicide bombing trend and the "what would you do for a Klondike bar?" ad campaign started around the same time?

Although I'm deeply grateful for each additional day I can spend with her,she is a faint echo of who she was. Sometimes I miss "my Mom". #DementiaSucks

The bananas I bought for this week are already starting to brown. By Thursday they are going to look like extras on The Walking Dead.

I don't care if I trip if it brings me closer to a FALL. #25DaysToFall #HumidityIsEvil #PumpkinAnythingIsBetterThanIceCubesInEverything

Just drove thru a lightening storm to the song Bohemian Rhapsody. As soon as the song ended so did the storm. #BlackCloudDidMeASolid

dreamed I was alone at the office & forced to defend the place against 2 burglars Home Alone stye.Thanks John Hughes for teaching me to torture/maim w/ panache

Here's a toast to all the old friends who are no longer around but not forgotten. #NationalDogDay

I fell asleep watching an 80s brat pack movie and woke an hour later w/ heart burn and acid reflux. I could feel St. Elmos Fire burning in me.

It only took a few days of mild weather for today's blast of heat & humidity to sneak up and attack me from behind like a prowrestler with a steel folding chair.

The weather app on my phone disappeared a few weeks ago so when someone asks me what the weather is I look at my phone and say there isn't any.

eye doc says I have myasthenia gravis, which means I'll need to take a pill just to keep my eyes open. I thought that was what caffeine was for but what do I know.

Surprisingly, telemarketers do not appreciate a continuous stream of knock knock jokes.

I need a new doctor.Got a letter saying mine is leaving the practice. Hard to not take it personally when he ended it with "It's not you, it's me."

The mushroom outbreak in my front yard has gotten the breast of me-uh I mean BEST of me.

hand sanitizer on unknown papercut= jolt of pain=jerk back=hit funny bone=smack my knee on desk.‪#‎BlackCloudTripleScore

What kind of freak is Cinderella that no one else could fit in her shoe? She have extra toes? Two left feet? Hooves?

My drivers license says I'm 47 but my knees, hairline, blood pressure and muscle tone carbon date me to atleast 64

I dropped an apple that rolled out of the kitchen,into the hall,down 2 flights of stairs,into the bathroom,& behind the sink. ‪#‎EscapedFasterThanAnOlympicSwimmer ‬.

I'm like an old mower. I just can't get started today. Thinking my carburetor is flooded.

After a heavy lunch, the 2nd half of the work day is like the sequel to a good movie: same cast & setting but never as good as the original. ‪#‎sleepy‬ ‪#‎FoodComa

I don't recall EVER being happy about the first day of school. It had all the joy of being selected for The Hunger Games.

39 years ago today Elvis Presley, age 42, had a hunka hunka heart attack and left the building. Thank you and good night

If the average man's life is remembered in a grand symphony mine would end up being a little ditty by Randy Newman.

This morning I wiped rain off of my glasses w/ what turned out to be a greasy napkin. ‪#‎MrMcGooSchoolofDriving

Yesterday I trudged into my house, exhausted from the heat, looked into my hall closet full of jackets & coats and said,"Soon my friends.. SOON."

I had my dollar, they refused to sell me a tree. ‪#‎DollarTreeIsALie

I once ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes w/ chop sticks. Why? Because it was the year of the tiger (and all the spoons were dirty) ‪#‎theyreGLLLLLLEAT

The olympics should not be shown on 9 different cable networks unless 8 of them are each dedicated to a 24/7 body camera worn by a different competitor

Went to see The Secret Life of Pets this weekend. Good movie but a little too much animal nudity for my tastes.

At my desk trying to work. My eyes have not yet agreed and keep wanting to close. Management proposed a solution. ‪#‎ClockworkBlackCloud

weird dream

I dreamed that I begged some friends to go camping and then I showed up barefoot w no gear and had to beg & borrow like a little bitch. This was not "scary" but definitely not fun. I think I had a ‪#‎awkwardmare‬. ‪#‎BlackCloudAfterDark

Since it's tax free weekend for school supplies in Missouri I'm thinking of taking the plunge on this sweet little school bus I've had my eye on.

Woke up w/ an unexplainable pain in my left toe. Seems this little piggy had a rough day at the market.

I would only agree to go into Witness Protection if my new name could be Abe Froman:Sausage King of Chicago.

model train people:tired of whimsical small town.Show me graffiti covered boxcars/urban slums/junk cars/abandoned buildings.#MayberryIsEasyButDetroitIsHard.

After work I'm heading over to Sam's Club to vote and then Brennan Woods Elementary for gas and prescriptions. Wait. Scratch that. Reverse it.

vote for me

I'd like to propose a bill that stipulates for every mud-slinging or sickenly sweet patriotic campaign ad aired, a seperate, totally dry humored ad for a fake candidate be produced and aired as well. This would add some sugar to help the bullshit medicine of politics go down.

Arrived 45 min early to stand in front of my office with my coworkers and cheer & wave for a corporate video. The things I'll do for a free sausage biscuit.

hell

Devil: Welcome to hell Mr. Bornholdt. Your job will be mowing and trimming all the grass. The good news is, it only needs to be cut in the hot humid month of August.
Me: I guess I can deal with that.
Devil: Did I mention it's August all year long down here?
Me: shit.

its hard to keep going in this exhausting,frightening, & increasingly dangerous world until someone puts donuts in the breakroom and life is good for awhile.

The car next to me had 4 old ladies puffing on cigs w/ 1 back window cracked to ventilate. Looked like a cinematic cross between Cocoon and Cheech & Chong.

Danny Glover was 7 years younger than me now when he first uttered "I'm getting too old for this shit" in Lethal Weapon

cough subsided as my eyes became itchy/watery yesterday which turned into a runny nose today. my body is consistent: there never isn't something wrong

Had to drive to work w/ a speck in my eye so it was mostly closed. No wonder Ray Charles got so many speeding tickets.

spiders keep repelling down from my bathroom fan:Either these are scouts for an invading army in my attic or this is a popular spot for spider bungee jumping.

Cost of Living in St. Louis: 96 degrees. 50% Humidity. Heat Index: 109 Degrees. (weather related headache: Free w/ purchase)

I refuse to discuss what I saw on TV last night because I'm afraid if I say his name 3 times he'll show up like Beetlejuice.

"Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!" - Steve Martin/Three Amigos

I'm convinced The Hokey Pokey is an ancient tribal dance to appease the sun god. The more it fades away, the faster we globally warm. THAT'S what its all about.

fire and rain

Do I close my car windows to keep out the storm or leave them cracked so it doesn't heat up to where I burst into flames when I get in? To paraphrase baby James: I'll see fire or I'll see rain. I'm seeing a summer that I fear will never end. I see a heat index that makes solid steel bend. But in 63 days I'll finally see fall again.

In a paintball match of aggressive garage saling/casino going old ladies vs a SWAT team, I'll put $50 on the golden girls

St. Louis: 92 degrees & muggy. Heat Index: 102 degrees. Weather related crabbiness: 100%

I wouldn't be on the sex offender list if the damn spice girl had been more specific when she said I had to be w/ her friends first.

OK chinese buffets, lets just call you what you are: 9 different versions of chicken, 2 kinds of rice, and a sloppy spatchella full of warm tapioca

When you are busy time is supposed to go faster yet this this week continues to stretch out like a massive glob of liver, tuna, & axle grease flavored taffy.

new use for old shirt

I'm thinking of digging out my decades old Best Buy shirt and name tag just so I can hang around the store and give incorrect electronics advice. "Sony is about to release their new hexigone shaped TV line that come with digital scratch & sniff technology and it's gonna be a game changer."

kill joys

I passed by a park that had a banner advertising a Back to School Picnic in August. If I was a kid I'd be so pissed off having to be reminded of that everytime I wanted to hit the swings. Way to harsh my summer vaca buzz you jerks!

black cloud

Today I had a coughing fit while drinking some ice water which caused me to spit out a piece of ice, which bounced off the refrigerator door, ricocheted back at my head, then landed under-frigging-neath my glasses, & poked me in the eye. ‪#‎HarlemGlobetrottersBlackCloudTrickShot‬

The country is entirely too intense right now. Lets everyone just chill out for a bit. Relax. Have a pudding cup.

I spent the night up with indigestion & acid reflux. Then again, my menu yesterday was supplied by BK & Pappa John's. Buy the ticket.. take the ride.

The country is entirely too intense right now. Lets everyone just chill out for a bit. Relax. Have a pudding cup.

I like to 2nd random motions that have nothing to do with the meeting.

Its only 10:13 and I'm already out of steam. This is not good. Kind of like stopping to tie your shoe while crossing a busy highway.

For sanitary purposes I hope the casting couch atleast gets Scotchgarded every year or so.

I did not sleep well last night so even though I'm at work technically my brain is still on vacation.

I heard a noise that turned out to be my yard slurping up the rain water. What really freaked me out is when it belched & demanded more.

Things I learned at the doctor's office today: 1) My cough is not pneumonia. 2) TheTongue Depressors are apparently not for building log cabins.

'Big Brother After Dark' is like being stranded for 3 hrs in a college bar listening to random snippets of millenial chatter& is more mind numbing than morphine

Plus side of a cough/sore throat is having a Skeletor phone voice.

I'm not saying I had coughing fits during the night but this morning there were assorted swans and geese outside my window with love in their eyes.

Raining outside & Chinese proverb say bad luck to business unless someone nap under desk. I'll take one for the team.

I left the remote on my clock radio so when I smacked the snooze alarm the remote catapulted and did a somersault onto my head. ‪#‎SonyBlackCloud

Angry customer came in primed to yell at me over her move. my coughing kept her at bay & shortened the conversation considerably.Thanks summer cold!

The best thing about last night's NyQuil still working the next morning at work is having no idea its the next morning or that I'm at work,

Having a summer cold feels a lot like being a goldfish who'se bowl was half filled with ice cubes and then heated in a microwave

Dear EU: By the time you read this I'll be gone. It's not u its me. Don't try to follow me. We'll split up the CDs and DVDs later. Goodbye. Love, Brit

Clean Teeth/Wild Ride

Just got my teeth cleaned and my hygienist might have been on cocaine. She was this pretty, petite, little thing but she rapid fire talked 20 miles a minute & tossed me around in that chair like I was an empty plastic bag. I now know her entire romantic, spiritual, & professional history and have bruises like I lost a UFC match.

Woke up w/ a deep cough. If I was a plane my LEFT ENGINE FAILURE cockpit warning alarm would be flashing.

Forecast:100. intensely hot day. Heat index 105-108. 93 days to fall. Must..hold..on

double troubles

So far this week I had 2 ATMs not accept 2 $5bills, 2 nights in a row w/ the same deer crossing in front of my car(both times gave me an FU Elvis lip quiver), and 2 twice sneezed in the middle of a food order. ‪#‎ChewingBlackCloudDoubleMintGum

New towel rack install will require measuring,drilling,&spackling.Prediction:Not being handy+my black cloud=domino effect ending in full collapse of the house.

Summer heat/humidity is the tranqulizer, lack of sleep is the dart, and Monday afternoon is the gun that shoots it. Man down.

Grabbed a towel after washing up this morning and got not only the towel but also the towel rack right out of the wall. Happy Monday Black Cloud

That steak sandwich at lunch was gooood but I think somebody roofied it because I'm having trouble staying awa..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Do kids still run thru sprinklers to cool off? Are they waiting for cheaper waterproof cells so they can continue to text mid-sprinkle?

Plus of a heatwave is that it pits 2 of my sworn enemies against each other:Heat is an excuse to not cut my grass while also slowing the green monster's growth.

Last night I tossed my shirt across the room to the hamper but it was intercepted by ceiling fan and launched back at me. ‪#‎BlackCloudBoomerang

My favorite deleted scene from the original Planet of the Apes was when Charlton Heston threw his own feces at his ape captors.

Screw penicillin, sliced bread, fire, or the wheel. I say man's greatest acheivement was the invention of central air conditioning. ‪#‎102HeatIndex

Got an unexpected raise. Life is good.

If hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of germs shouldn't drinking the stuff pretty much cure cancer?

In the last 24 hours I have detoured around 7 street repair crew sites. This is a great town but I'm not driving again until its finished.

When I eat a cold Milky Way bar I'm 7 again,at the snack bar at Concord Swimming Pool.I smell chlorine,hear splashing, & feel the sun.No more LSD in my candy

True Fun Fact: The last 4 numbers of my ex-wife's SS# were 0666. That should have been a warning to me(that & she had a tail,horns,& carried a trident)

Dear Telemarketers/Jehovah Witnesses/&Charitable Solicitors:Acid reflux again has robbed me of all sleep so now is the time to pounce. I'll never know what hit me.

Last night I dreamed I had dementia. It scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I don't remember much of it.

Was singing Oh What A Beautful Morning out loud in the car this morning and the guy in the car next to me flipped me the bird. Everyone's a critic.

I considered a career as a mailman until I realized I'd have to drive the truck in reverse in order to use every fast food drive thru window to get my lunch everyday.

Last night I stalled out at home. I did nothing, ate unhealthy food while staring blankly at the TV like a catatonic patient in AWAKENINGS. .. it was wicked awesome.

For Sale:1971 4x4 SUV hybrid,VERY low mileage,satellite radio,covertible,original parts,parked in remote spot for 45 yrs (buyer must pick up),Great deal! $5,900.00

a ball cap makes an acceptable umbrella during a spring storm. Winter wet causes problems. Summer wet causes cooling. Wetting yourself is generally frowned upon in any season.

3 1/2 hours to go before the start of a 3 day weekend and I leave my flux capacitor at home. Looks like I'll have to tough this out in real time. Dammit.

As a kid I begged Dad to go camping over Memorial Day Weekend. Now if you find me laying in the woods for 3 days, a planecrash is nearby

I've already dropped a knife,some mustard covered roastbeef,a file folder,my keys,an insulin needle, & any doubts that my black cloud is not F-ing w/ me today.

On this date in 1977 a movie called Star Wars was released. It sadly flopped and was quickly forgotten.

Just once I wish a bug would bite me in a spot that was actually reachable for scratching.

Some days I dive right into the 2nd half of my work day. Others.. not so much

Watched the movie Everest (based on the true story) last night and discovered further justification for me to never climb anything higher than a barstool.

I moved the broken stationary bike into the garage and drug in the elliptical from the same spot to replace it. That's enough exercise for the day.

You know its going to be a bad day at work when yesterday's colonoscopy is the happier memory.

In order to prep for my medical procedure tomorrow I'm restricted to a clear liquid diet today. Vodka, Gin, and Everclear it is then.

Dreamed last night about an annoying superhero sidekick who'se only powers are making a really tasty low fat latte and pulling staples out of paper with her mind.

coming back into work after lunch on Monday always feels like this..

I'm starting the week off right by sabotaging my office phone.

There won't be much money when I go but my heirs WILL inherit my wicked high FICO credit score. No thanks necessary.

People who grow long hair & cut it off for cancer wigs are heros, but I let my grass grow to a foot to be be cut for starving goats & I'm a bad neighbor.

I'd be victim #2 in a slasher flick:the idiot making innapropriate comments who gets killed because he decides to go make a sandwich

If management won't even consider afternoon binge watch sessions of The Gong Show then why put up the suggestion box in the first place?

Just found out how much colonoscopy/endoscopy is going to cost me after insurance. Seems I'm being violated the same way to physically and financially.

I walked into the office in light rain with an unopened umbrella just so I wouldn't have to deal w/ drying it: Forward thinking laziness in action.

Once again Maria, the hills were not "alive" with the sounds of music. That was just the LSD talking to you.

The Bible says never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Maybe that explains why my right arm always seems to need more deoderant.

Doc just told me I'm going to have my first colonoscopy. (Well, not really my first. There was that time I got abducted by aliens but I don't like to talk about that.)

Work: Come for the paycheck, but stay for the occasional free donut.

Pssst! Yo man. I got the black market GS Cookies. You need a fix? I'm your boy.First cookie is free and don't worry. . I no longer sell near schools.

Such hypocrisy. I'm required to wear green on St. Patricks Day but when I show up in a sombrero & pancho today Donald Trump has me deported.

Headed to doc for more bloodwork. Found that opening w/,"I was told to come up to the lab.. to see what's on the slab." gets a blank stare.

20 millionth Graceland ticket prize pack: bottle of E's favorite prescription, PB&banana sandwhich, bottle of black hair dye, sequined jumpsuit w/ cape, & a free karate lesson

I'd like to open up an army surplus vehicle sales lot just so I can call it "Tanks A Lot"

Its going to be one of those weeks that take a month to get through.

Saturday BBQ? Meet my Black Cloud. Black Cloud? Meet my Saturday BBQ.

You call it too much time in the office men's room. I call it quality time in my fort.

Passed QT for breakfast because it looked busy. My sleepy desire to not deal w/ people overtook my hunger pang.

Do the tame people who swear to Gosh worry about going to Heck when they die?

I figured the best way to display a medal for excellence given to me by the owner of a national furniture restoration firm was on a chair

the most exciting part of my afternoon is waiting for a thunderstorm to pass thru.The missing pin for that handgrenade under my chair feels like old news now

If I could get all the voices in my head to harmonize and learn an instrument, I could be a band.

At age 46 I'm proud to report that I've acheived the grumpy level of an 82 year old. I've finally excelled at something.

My dreams at night would be so much better if I could add opening credits, a theme song, transitional music, and previews for upcoming dreams at the end.

Dear 2 month expired butter: Why do you betray me with bagel?

On this day in 1986, after much fanfare, Geraldo Rivera opens Al Capone's vault on live TV to find nothing. All hype/no pay off.. just like the 1980s.

Dear God, Please let whomever stole the windmill from my yard get splinters from it causing a bloodstream infection that results in a slow,agonizing death. Amen

when bad guys run out of bullets and just throw the gun at their opponent?Just once I'd like to see that move pay off.

work after a sleepless night is like scuba diving: u may be there but it feels surreal, pressurized, & slower. That and I'm weaing a snorkel mask at my desk.

Started Monday w/ shakes & low blood sugar. Recovered but wondering what else I can do to avoid starting work.

sunshine

sunshine, on my shoulders, makes me sunburn.
sunshine, in my eyes, destroys my sight.
sunshine, on the water, means I'm sinking.
sunshine, works much better for me at night.

I've been looking for my Will so I can update it. Finally found it in the file marked Way.

I wonder if I can get one of those 'Will work for Food' guys to mow my lawn for $5 worth of McDonald's value menu items?

I'd like to see a clown car demolition derby just to hear the little horn squeaks and see the puffs of confetti at every impact.

Feeling like a late 70s/Fat Elvis/Tearing The Seat Of My Jumpsuit Pants On Stage in Vegas Trying to Do Karate kind of rock star today.

I watched a woman who looked like The Church Lady cut off a car, tailgate another,& honk at them. She had a Jesus fish emblem on her trunk.

A royal inquiry into the incident indicated that one of the king's horses did fire the fatal shot at Mr. Dumpty which knocked him off the wall.

I discovered a globe of toothpaste on my ear. Not sure how I managed this but atleast my hearing is free from tartar & plaque.

pondering what kind of office mischief can be acheived using my stapler, a sharpee marker, and the dental floss in my drawer..

Today is Cardinal's Spirit Day at work. Wearing a too small freebie jersey I got last season.Starting off my week playing Fat Guy in a Little Coat.

friday

You'd think a full weeks worth of professional momentum would propel me like an apollo rocket thru the last half of friday but instead I sputter, stall, and pathetically drop from the sky like a north korean missile.

Starting to feel like my front yard weeds are 1950s Godzilla and I am the Japanese firing ammunition that bounces right off him.

The weed killer I put on my lawn is only making it grow faster. Next option is a flame thrower.

Today I have the productivity level of a narcoleptic in a pillow factory.

The early bird develops tapeworms. Here endeth the lesson.

Nurse!! Its time for my afternoon meds & pudding cup! Hurry up .. reality is starting to come into focus again.

Is there a controlled substance inside Fiber One Lemon Bars that triggers the self check out to demand I "please wait for attendent" so they can judge me worthy?

I'm onto you Spring. You've got everyone thinking you're SO wonderful but I know what you REALLY are.. a weed pusher.

I want to hear the upbeat morning drive radio personalities act like they really feel on Monday morning: mumbles, grumbles, gripes, & coffee stirring

Hanging out with a person with dementia is like being in an old episode of Seinfeld: Often entertaining but always a repeat.

Some paper blew into the path of my garage door light sensor causing it to bounce back open when I tried to close it. My own friggin' house april fooled me.

BM

Just scored free tickets to the Barry Manilow concert tonight at Scott Trade Centeter. (Thanks Anne Marie) Hoping I don't come away from the mosh pit smelling like bengay again. Those fanilows party hardcore.. plastic hips and all.

2day in 1943 Oklahoma! opened on Broadway & brought down the house. Yesterday a tornado opened up in Oklahoma & brought down a house on Broadway

I suck at voicemail. I write a short, concise, email, post, or text, but when I leave a VM I go on & on like a truck rolling down a mountain w/ no brakes.

Most boys idolized baseball or football players but when I was a kid my hero was King Kong Bruiser Brody. Explains a lot about my formative years huh?

Took my Mom to the doctor's office this morning and managed to roll over my own foot with her wheelchair. So much for my dreams of professional tap dancing.

old drivers scare me

So I'm minding my own business driving back from lunch when an old man in the lane next to me decides to cross into mine without looking. As he inched closer he was suddenly shocked to see my car there and HE honked and cursed at ME!!! Sorry Mr.Magoo but I did nothing wrong. Time to hang up those keys.

Happy 50% Off All Easter Candy Monday everyone.

Do extreme conservatives refer to them as "damn hippie eggs"?

So was Mr.Roarke wearing Tony's Saturday Night Fever suit or was Tony wearing Roarke's Fantasy Island host uniform?

GF

"JC has politely requested that we re-name this day to something other than Good Friday. He still has some pretty serious PTS from this experience and He stresses absolutely nothing about it was good." - Thanks, God

Some people have an internal struggle of good vs evil but every time grass cutting season comes around I have an internal struggle of cheap vs lazy.

Sticks

I've pinched, skewered, licked, scooped, stirred, sword fought, back-scratched, constructed with, burned, door jammed, nose-hung, drawn with, spear chucked, drummed, grave marked, goal posted, colored, and whittled them, but never, in all my years, did I ever once chop with them. Time for some rebranding.

FU Bangles. We walk just fine. - Egypt

This Easter I'm buying a chocolate bunny just to sit on the Cadbury eggs until they hatch.

Dear McDonald's: New breakfast idea - sausage & egg biscuit injected with maple flavored caffiene called the McSpeedball.

Somewhere there is a law enforcement badge I can earn that will give me authority to issue tickets to people guilty of being too damn perky in the morning.

I dreamed I had to work a nostalgia shift on the log flume at Six Flags. Seems I can't rock the burnt orange pantaloons and pirate shirt look like I did in '86.

A huge wild turkey ran out in front of my car on Bowles Ave this morning.This turkey digs playing chicken. Does that make him a Turkey Tranny??

If Lent is about sacrifice so Catholic vegetarians should be eating meat on Friday & anorexics should be stuffing their faces on the fasting days.

I once helped push a stalled mini van from the middle of an intersection, uphill to a parking lot, in the snow. This week felt a lot like that.

To all the people named Patrick or Patricia just because you decided to be born on this date: What name were you REALLY SUPPOSED to get?

I'm wearing green&a plastic necklace w/ beer mug&clovers, but I'm not irish,don't drink,&sipping ENGLISH Breakfast Tea:I am the Donnie Brasco of St. Pat's Day

almost posted a political comment but then remembered that is equivalent to being stuck in an elevator with an angry kodiak bear that I just hit with a low grade taser.

The wind blew a paper off of my desk & into oblivian. My black cloud actually made it disappear. Ta Da!

Do two-faced people get to vote twice?

I'm not along in the house after all. I've killed 5 ants in the kitchen in the last 3 days. Pretty sure the last one mooned me. They want war? War they will get.

right after the final credit rolled

Dear Breakfast Club,
I'm glad you had such an eye opening afternoon during your Saturday detention but the fact remains that your little note was 96 words long and your assignment was for individual essays of no less than a 1000 words each. In violation of your dentention you are all hereby suspended untl further notice. - Mr. Vernon

Office Flu Bug Week 3: Very few of us left. Surviving by becoming a large, bearded Krispy Kreme donut perpetually covered in a glaze of Germ-X Hand Sanitizer

still better than Trump

Unrepentant millionare Quincy Magoo was sentenced to 100 hours of community service today after being convicted of 7 counts of vehicular manslaughter and driving while intoxicated. This has only increased his popularity in the polls however as he is now the current front runner for the GOP nomination for president.

The only forward momentum I can get going on Monday afternoons involves falling off my chair.

Small chance of showers so I left my windows open. 5min into my drive to work it poured. Only way to have prevented the rain was to leave them closed.

I'm having trouble with my grammer this afternoon. I can't seem to turn being at work into working.

You hear the Sesame Street theme song.I hear a lost,frightened child wandering the streets of New York since 1969 w/out directions.

When the time comes for my life to flash before my eyes I'm calling dibs on holding the remote

This morning I microwaved my mug before I put the water in it, poked myself in the eye w/ my toothbrush, & trapped my arm in my seatbelt. Not even 9am yet.

musical infidelity

Rupert Holmes' Escape(The Pina Colada Song) is really just a musical episode of "Cheaters" minus the unpublished final verse involving lawers, entrapment, and a bloody showdown at O'Mally's.

worst part of a haircut

Dear Great Clips: I'm willing to pay an extra $2 upfront on my haircut if we can waive the sales pitch for your shampoo and products. We both know I'm never going to do more than "think about it."

Girl Scout Thin Mints: I bought you under the guise of charity but we both know this is about how long I can resist your siren song from inside my freezer.

Today is a leap day, which happens once every 4 years, just like me getting to work on time.

There is no substitute for hard work(unless you can find someone who'll do it for you cheap)

Flu bug shooting thru my office. Like a slasher pic,they all go down 1 by 1. Who will survive? Only weapons? Purell baths & isolation.

Now a full week into Gidget's bonus rally time. I knew the old mutt is a mix of breeds but she has the heart of a lion.

Having tree branch snow plop onto my head feels a little like the Big G is bored and just in the mood to f w/ me.

I've never seen this much snow fall when it's this warm outside. It's like a microwavable winter storm.

Doing Mad Libs as a Smurf is not very challenging

I'm giving my dog her pain pill, she shakes her head NO& spits the pill into my face, sticking to my cheek. For a female,that dog has balls

I propose we set a weekly maximum amount of times each person is allowed to express outrage or entitlement. Once your limit is met, you have to shut the hell up.

Mondays make me feel like a 4rth grader playing dodge ball against a team of pissed off 8th graders.

I told someone I was having a nice day. Bad move. Afternoon is not looking good. ‪#‎BlackCloudAwakens

Whenever someone walks in on me grabbing munchies during an office food day I panic a little like a roach scattering when the light comes on.

when I feeli noble my inner voice is Morgan Freeman,when I'm active it's Waylon Jennings,on brain dead afternoons like this its Steven Wright

found a bottle of salad dressing at my Mom's that expired 4/9/02. I'm sure its fine, provided you're OK w/ brownish-gray colored ranch on your salad

If you're a professional chimney sweep, every wednesday is Ash Wednesday.

for what I paid in medical bills last year I could have built,burned, &rebuilt a gazeebo.Luckily my neighbors was available for free.

Vote Puppy Monkey Baby for President. Makes about as much sense as the alternatives.

Today is one of those days where my roller coaster lap bar didn't lock as the train pulled away. Gonna be one hell of a ride.

On this date in 1938 Disney released Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs turning witchcraft,murder,blood diamonds,&necrophilia into family entertainment.

Thanks to a ladle mishap at lunch I'll be wearing a bewitching new scent called Healthy Choice Chicken Tortilla Soup for the remainder of the day.

Good News:I replaced the rubber stopper in the toilet.Bad News: my watch band broke dropping my Timex down the drain hole. Shit.

My clothes are just a little too warm for the weather so I have to spend the day feeling like a microwaved burrito.

Sunset Boulevard: I used to be be Joe Gillis. I've now aged into Max.

OK rain! (hand clap) Lets pick up the pace here! Chop Chop! My car is not gonna wash it self!

Getting tax stuff together is like cramming for a final exam that I skipped 1/3 of the classes for. No matter what, there will be something I don't know come test time.

I recorded Grease and won't watch it until Thursday so please no spoilers on how the story ends.

Just used the men's room in a pathetic bid to delay starting my Sunday catch up files at the office. You could say I put the Pee in Procrastinating

If life was a sitcom, then post lunch food coma is the unproductive down period during commercial breaks.

Its about damn time you got here Friday

One Presidential Debate should consist of each candidate given 30 min to sell used cars on TV. Sell me a 93 escort, you get my vote

I slipped on a water bottle when I got out of bed this morning,bounced off the wall /& back onto the bed.My dog thinks I'm an idiot.

Last night I dreamed I was a pastry chef for a colombian drug lord. This morning I'm aggravated because I left the oven on.

I can tell that the only way I'm going to get started this morning is for someone to roll me down a hill and pop my clutch.

Why is it every time a police car pulls out behind me I suddenly tense up like I've got a hostage and 4 kilos of cocaine in my trunk?

a whole new world

I'd consider going back to Disneyworld if they built a separate park just for tired adults featuring rides like The Disney Princess Foot Massage Experience, Pirates of the Caribbean Hammock Nap Adventure, and Mamma Bambi's Steak & Ale house.

dust in the wind

Since everything is digital now in 1000 years archeologists will piece together our history from old movie posters, People magazine, and The National Enquirer. This will be recorded for posterity as a dark period called The Kardashian Age.

Thinking the streets are fine just as I suddenly Tokyo Drift a corner just missing a pole.Note to self: buy front seat stain remover.

Shit. Today I passed through that invisible doorway to old age when I found myself enjoying instrumental muzak .

My office is open today but it seems like most people I know have the day off. Feeling like I'm stuck in detention and missing recess.

I have a dream, that traffic can always be as nonexistent as this morning.

brrrr good

I enjoy bundling up against the cold as opposed to stripping down for the heat. My reduced number of visual nuisance citations in the winter months suggest the general pubic agrees with my decision.

Trying to give away a tube TV is like trying to sell a snow blower in Hawaii.

In a meeting w/ management, I repeatedly referred to Two Men & a Truck as Two & A Half Men. I see why Missouri State is so hesitant to admit I am an alumni.

By all logic, isn't this who should be announcing the Oscar nominations tomorrow?

Either I put my watch on upside down this morning or I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror again.

turns out my spirit animal is a minion.

New motto for Depends: TRY OUR STYLISH NEW EUROPEAN DESIGN

Wait, didn't David Bowie die a long time ago in the Alamo along side Davey Crockett?

Dear Zombies & Superheroes: You have been officially oversaturated in pop culture. Start packing. Sincerely, 2016

PS - If you don't believe me and think you are untouchable, just ask the vampires about their chat with 2013.

The Martian is definitely the funniest comedy since Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I wonder how many people Google "The Golden Globes" wanting info on the awards show but unknowingly end up surfing porn

challenge accepted

Time:1996 / Place: Chattanooga, TN / Bribe: Tab for plate of hot wings, 1 jack & coke, 5 beers, & 2 shots / Dare: Soulful, animated, karaoke rendition of I've Never Been to Me in front of a crowded redneck bar. / Result: God I'm such a whore.

Hello? (pause) Listen Adele, I've told you 10 times you have the wrong number and to please stop calling me. Now knock it off!!

Boiling order is rescinded! My water is once again poop free! (Or as much as is allowed by government standards)

Everyone is talking about what they'll do if they win the lottery. As soon as I figure out a way to bribe my black cloud I'm lining up to buy a ticket.

For me going to the doctor for quarterly check ups is as productive as continually taking a wrecked car to a mechanic just so he can confirm its still broken.

I fell asleep to a Barney Miller rerun & dreamed I was working there.Definitely falling asleep to Charlie's Angels tonight.

score

projectile-coughed a pill across the room this morning - 1/ traffic jam -1 short cut +2 late for work -2/good stick at lab blood draw +2 / surprise urine sample - 1/ McD's screwed up drive thru order -2
/clean mug in office dishwasher +1/fogged glasses opening -1
/tripped on shoelace -2/recovered +1/
start of the 3rd quarter score: Dave 6 / Black Cloud 10

My fitbit readout read out called my time of death. Is that bad?

boiling mad at lack of notice

While they are flushing the remaining flood sewage from the water plant, I continue to be under a boil order. Which is something I wasn't aware of until last night. Atleast now when someone tells me I'm full of shit, I can't disagree with them.